Lost in time and a lack of experience

I sit here writing this blog post with my motivation levels in rapid decline, my self esteem, well, long gone and my interest in day-to-day life hitting rock bottom. 

Ah, ok I exaggerated all that a little. But c'mon doesn't everybody feel a little 'down', disheartened and really bloody angry that it all went too quick...when Uni ends. You work really hard (spending three years earning free entry to the best clubs) studying and stuff, to the point where you often wake up feeling queezy (nothing to do with the hangover). And it's all a bit of an anti-climax really. Graduation day. You spend one half of the day wondering if you'll fall on stage, if you'll get to see everybody, if they'll pronounce your name right or if they'll even say your name at all! And the other half of the day, you're not likely to remember after your dads taken you for a few drinks (and let's be honest, when dad's paying, who has limits?). All in all though, seeing the proud glow on the faces of your family makes it all too worth it. All of it.  

I'd say I was still in the hangover stage, absolutely gutted that Uni has come to an end - mostly because I can't decide what my next step is (and believe me, I've tried to do it all since I left - move to London, move to Dubai, become the manager at my local Greggs). But I seem to be getting no further than my local Tesco for a loaf of bread and the evening gazette. 

It brings me to my quandary...how does somebody with no professional experience, or 2/3 years working background, get a job (get the experience) in a climate whereby thousands of people are applying for the same role and you're required to have experience. 

WHERE does the EXPERIENCE come from? 

I find it understandable why people come out of university, having had the best three years of their life, and end up progressing nowhere with their careers. Nobody tells us what to do, where to go or how to get where we want...but they were all quite happy to push us 150 miles away to university when we were 18 and unsure whether we wanted to go or not!

Experience comes from experience. If you can't get the experience, you won't have the experience. 

Of course, though, there's thousands of opportunities at big firms (and little firms) all over the country for people like me. They call them internships. They sound great. Who wouldn't want to interview celebs, make contacts, live in London for 3 months and get paid the lump sum of £5 expenses to cover their lunch? Oh...

Rant over. 

Au revoir, auf wiedersehen, ciao, GOODBYE. 

My best friend.

I've never been one to stress much...no, I'm kidding. I'm definitely one of the most stressful, worrying types of people you can imagine. I think I'm quite annoying at times really.

I usually start to stress and panic approximately Ten minutes before something's even happened...and that's on a good day. So you can only imagine what I've been like during the last two weeks running up to the dissertation hand-in deadline. A mess.

Some may say I need psychiatric help. Some may say I just need a slap. But what I really need, and it's quite simple, is reassurance and patience - not from me but from those that surround me. There's thankfully a lot of people around me that have these qualities. And there's those that just burden me with their own problems, on top of mine. But of course, aside from the bubble of stress I'm living in, I'm all ears to some.

I'm mostly sane down to my mum. She's strong-willed, tough, understanding, inspirational, all-knowing and can solve almost anything. If she can't solve something, I won't bother trying myself. If she can't find it-it's not there!

If I grew up to be half the person she is, I'd be over the moon. To be able to give my child what she gave me, not thousands of pounds, but time, love and answers - I'd call myself a good mother. And a best friend.

I'm growing (outwards)

It's been 9 days, 17 hours and 56 minutes since New Years Day ended. This usually means that we stop eating chocolate, sweets, pastries, chips, puddings and whatever else looks good enough to consent an expanding waistline.

My problem seems to be that I did 'think' about stepping back from the food and getting back on a diet, but the idea of it bored me. So, as a result of this, I haven't actually stopped eating yet - only for a few hours of sleep here and there.

My excuse is that there's still, what I like to call, 'christmas chocolate' left in the house and it would be ridiculous to go on a diet when there's non-diet food that needs to be eaten. Let's be honest, I'm finishing the goodies off purely for the fact that I don't like to waste food.

Hmm...

In fact, today's Daily Mail's cover story revealed that we throw away half of our food. Considering £10 billion worth of food is wasted, I'm glad I saved my 99p chocolate coins from the litter bin...

(My jeans are tighter than they were)

Being old and saying goodbye

Long gone are the days of squabbling over the last sweet, elastic ties and lining up for assembly.

We're grown ups now and we have to start dealing with grown up problems. Worrying about grown up things and facing what's thrown at us.

Thing's never remain the same; nothing lasts forever. Not dreams, not people. Nothing.

This brings me to loss. Something materialistic or somebody close to our hearts, whether that may be a family member, friend or even a neighbour.


Everyday, each one of us loses something; it might only be our door key, or a £5 note, and it's rare that it's ever gone forever.

But I don't know what forever means.

I don't understand death either. It's a type of loss but it can never be refound. It's unexplained. I've got so many questions that nobody can answer...not even my mum. And she always has the answer to everything. How can somebody be there one minute, and gone the next?

But not even gone just for a bit; for forever. Never will we see them again.

Sadness.

Baby it's cold outside

The last few months of my life have come at a good price - unfortunate things that have happened, endless amounts of work I have been given to do and the good old money situation. And whilst everything's been going on, I've been hugely neglecting my blog.

BUT I've found some inspiration, and YES, it's that same old conversation about the weather!

It sure is beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It's now 4th December, the temperature's fair plummeted, we've seen snow and there's been Christmas compilation CD's played through the city for the past 4 weeks. If that's not enough to get you in the Christmas spirit, then I don't know what is.

I'm genuinely concerned about the temperature however, I can't cope with how cold it is and it's starting to seriously affect my life! I don't want to go out nor in fact even leave my flat at any time of the day!

On the plus side of it all, today is Christmas shopping day. And, I WILL wear as many layers as I can fit under my coat. Brrrrr

Halloween

I can't decide if I like Halloween or not.

13 years ago when my mum used to dress me up (in the most unimaginative costumes you've ever seen) it was one of the most exciting nights of the year.

Friends + dressing up + free sweets and money --- what more could a child ever want in the world?

But as I grew up, I realised what Halloween was all about. SCARING people. And I'm a wimp.
Well, that's a lie, as just 10 minutes ago I was googling it's actual meaning. And if you care at all: It originates from the influence of harvest festivals and festivals of the dead with possible pagan roots. Sounds scary to me!

You'll probably agree with me that it's one of the weirdest concepts...one whereby children dress up to scare each other, knock on strangers houses calling 'trick-or-treat' and accept gifts from those who open the door and choose to 'treat'. Call me stupid but since I was a young child I've been led to believe that we don't talk to strangers and we don't take sweets from strangers.

But that's ok because it's Halloween?

Neglect

So it's fair to say I've been neglecting this blog for some time now. But I've had a hectic summer and have been lacking inspiration, motivation and any drive to write anything other than what I've had no other choice but to do.

Aside from one big family trauma, the summer consisted of working and...no just working.

However, at the end of summer I found myself in Tenerife. Sunny Tenerife. Me and my girls went for a week of sun, sea and rest...and obviously made a few trips to the Veronicas strip for cocktails and fun!

Now I'm back at uni, finding motivation and trying to fill my empty days due to a three-hour working week at university. I find myself looking for things to fill my time between 1pm on a Monday until 9am on a Friday! I could work a full-time job whilst I'm here at uni - and the money would be more than welcome in to my neglected and bare-looking bank account.

So my aim now is to get myself back into a routine (&blogging!) xx

R1 Hackney Weekender

This last weekend saw my life being taken over by Radio 1's Hackney weekend. No, I wasn't privileged enough to get tickets to go to the show down in London, but it was certainly rubbed in my face from every angle. I put the radio on (obviously Radio 1) and all I heard were screaming, lucky crowds of people and when I turned the TV on there was live coverage all over BBC3. It was like I couldn't escape it, despite being hundreds of miles north, but secretly I was loving the bombardment.

Me and Eloise at BBCR1 Weekend Carlisle <3

Whilst enjoying every moment I heard or saw of the weekend, each second of it agitated me more and more because I wasn't there! I was VERY lucky to go last year when it came to Carlisle. Not because I got tickets. My friend's sister got two tickets and gave them to her and she chose to take me. It was one of the best days of my life...music, crowds, amazing atmospheres, cider, mile-long toilet queues and rain. But every little thing made it what it was. Frustratingly, we had to get back to Newcastle after the show and our only mode of transport was the train...which meant we missed the last (and headline) act... LADY freakin' GAGA. Yes. We missed Lady Gaga.

It's events like this which make me feel angry at my lack of attendance; so angry that I feel more determined than ever to succeed in what I want to do. Getting my own way and getting the job I want, I will be sat next to Greg James in Fearne's seat in a few years time (not because I'm getting rid of you Fearne Cotton, I love you).

RADIO 1 you better give me tickets next year, or employ me, or I swearrr I will give the security guards a back hander (sly money, not a smack!) !!!

Power through melody and tune

I've never been one to get emotional easily...not in terms of crying anyway! I'm always laughing or smiling, so I guess in that respect I am one hugely emotional person. But recently, I've become an emotional wreck and I'm not sure what to put it down to.

Through my life I've watched sad films, sad tv programmes, listened to upsetting songs and read heartbreaking things... but not once shed a single tear. Throughout the past few weeks I must have made up for the past (almost) 20 years of dry-eye and covered the next 20 whilst I was at it! Even the videos played through charity concerts, which are supposed to reduce us to tears so we donate money, have never affected me. Is it that I was cold hearted? Or, did I just not take it all in properly? I don't know.

Last week I was found sobbing at the last episode of One Tree Hill, despite the fact I didn't know what was going on because I had missed the previous 2 series, the week before that, I filled up watching the episode of TOWIE where they ran the London Marathon. And, last night I felt massively emotional watching the Jubilee song; the effort and work from Gary Barlow combined with the fact that all of these children and people had been brought over from poor and undeveloped countries to take part in such a huge event reduced me to tears. It wasn't that I felt happy for the Queen in her 60 year reign, but I felt overjoyed and overwhelmed that the event was bringing all of these people together.

However, it didn't take me long to realise that it's all down to music. No matter what race we are, religion we are or what language we speak in, music is something that we can all relate to. Music is about the only thing that's communicated the same way through every country and in every language; it gives the same message to whoever may be listening to it.

And it even comes back to TV programmes, or soaps, because if they want you to feel sad then they tell you to feel that emotion with the music that they play in the background.

Music communicates, controls and comforts us.

Our lives aren't scripted

For years now, possibly from as far back as the day I learned to speak, I've begged my parents to watch films with me. Night after night, I would pray for a bad night of television and back when I was younger, it was easier because we only had the bog-standard terrestrial TV channels: 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5.  Since coming in to the digital age, my mum or dad have always found some programme to 'start' watching or a random repeat of some show they used to love. So we haven't spent many nights watching films.

It's my dad really; he's always against putting a DVD on or watching a film. But tonight I've realised why. It's taken me nearly 20 years and a massive amount of films for me to reach this conclusion. Escapism. To take 1 hour and 40 minutes, or sometimes 2 hours, to watch a film...all we're doing is escaping our own lives; we're watching somebody else's world, through their eyes, feeling their pain and conveying emotion which comes from a built-up fantasy world which doesn't even exist.

And that's fair enough, sometimes we do need to escape.

But tonight I've realised that when we escape our own lives for a couple of hours, watching a film or box-set, we're missing out on the world WE live in. This may not make sense to you, but look at it this way - we might miss the evening news, a new television series or an episode of a soap opera. And at the time it might not seem a big deal, nor a problem. We live in a world which revolves around the televsion; day-to-day conversations are based on what happened last night on TOWIE, or who killed who in Eastenders and, to you, it may not matter to be part of the conversation. But, it's good to know what's going on in the REAL WORLD.

I'm struggling to explain what I mean... I've zero common sense and when this is combined with my standard of general knowledge, which is at rock bottom, I come across as pretty thick. But my dad, he knows everything. So, I'm beginning to think that spending my time watching the News, boring (educational) information programmes and being part of the world I live in (rather than one on the screen) can only teach me things.

We need to live our lives instead of trying to live through a character.